The "Counter-Canter"

A horse is a horse-person's best friend. We all know this universal truth (sorry not sorry dear significant others). Being the best friends they are, and being that best friends also have tax liabilities, horses should count as their own taxable entities, which makes them people. And how do people best get to know each other? FOOD!

Thusly, I was overjoyed to learn today about the practice of inviting our horses into the kitchen to partake in the culinary experience of friendship.

Since horses haven't grown opposable hooves since my last blog post, they don't have much to offer in the kitchen. However, the time-honored "counter-canter" is one of the best ways they have been able to serve humanity.

Horses tend to be on the larger size, at least when compared to their human counterparts, so there isn't usually much floor space in the kitchen for them to work. That's why some genius in 1642 suggested that horses be relegated to the kitchen counter. Once atop the counter, there is plenty of space for a horse to canter. And let me tell you... horses and their counter-canter have been the primary workforce behind the production of pizza dough and squashed wine grapes for the last 376 years.

This alone explains why they are our best friends.

Hot Blooded Horses - surprising update

I was doing some more searching, and it turns out that there was a band who recorded a song about Hot Blooded horses, which very much validates all of my findings about them.

Hot Blooded Horses

Well, I can say that I'm offended, to say the least.

I previously wrote an entire post about warm blooded verses cold blooded horses, and nobody even bothered to tell me that there is a such thing as hot blooded horses.  I never!

As soon as I learned about their existence, I went to bing.com to learn all about what all the non-hype was about.  I just HAD to check it and see:

Normal non-freak horses' body temperature runs up to 101° Fahrenheit, but hot blooded horses' temperature runs at a feverish hundred-and-three.

I'm just gonna lay this on the line: Hot-blooded horses move SO FINE.  Honey, that's something you oughta know.  Like you don't have to read my mind to know that I have it in mind.

You might not know that they are also loving creatures.  A hot blooded horse would totally meet up for a secret rendezvous - probably involving a trail ride, or some carrots.

And for you dressage aficionados, hot blooded horses do more than dance.  Again, check it and see!

Often they look more mature than they are, so if you're looking to buy one, make sure to call the seller's bluff on its age - even though you can't make a profit by selling a horse as older than it really is.  But at the same time they sell really fast so make sure your timing is right.

Here are some other quick facts:
They maintain their heat through the night, every night.
With minimal lateral flexion, their physique will look so tight.
They will definitely drive you wild.
Temperature remains "hot blooded" whether you're old or a child.
In order to be a happy owner of a hot blood, you must be a little bit high.
Surprisingly, they can be a little bit shy.
If hot blooded horses are for you, they will make you sing; it's a sweet sweet thing.

This dude loves hot blooded horses.

That's about it.

I saw a dead horse today

It was very sad.

Prancing Pony Practice (bonus!)

Official Blogger Meetup #7 - Prancing with Ponies

Did you miss my blogposts about Blogger Meetup #5 and #6?  Same here. But today we are blessed with my account of #7. (Stay tuned to miss Meetups #8-11!)

The best part was getting to meet yet another long-time Blogger! I had heard many tales, and borne witness to many hilarious groups texts, yet had not met Kathy in the flesh. I promptly arrived at her house after missing dinner and missing the first hour of FEITV due to my newfound dedication to the best equestrian sport: prancing.

Often incorrectly associated with vaulting, equestrian prancing is the most eXtreme sport that you've probably never heard of.

Here we see an awkward screenshot of Dr. Strange not doing a very good job at prancing. He doesn't look very much like a fancy pony, and he has lost his horse.

I, on the other hand, am VERY good at prancing with ponies:

So basically, I was two hours late to our meetup because I was busily prancing.

When I finally showed face, I was GREATLY OFFENDED that they had ALL been watching pony prancing WITHOUT ME (my therapist is encouraging me to talk openly about my feelings). But it was all good after Kathy brought out some delicious mint cookie ice cream. Thanks Kathy!

Kathy was also with us, visiting from "America's #1 City, 66.6 years running!" according to Satan's Digest, an elite sub-terranian publication that's been going strong for 2 mellinia. That city happens to be San Diego. It was great to see you Kathy!

Kathy, Kathy, and Kathy made up the rest of the group that evening. The centrifuge of experiences shared between so many great minds is really a privilege to be around. For example, Kathy brought up the clever practice of drugging lesson horses instead of properly training them to not buck off small children. Brilliant! A trainer she had once worked for does this every day and the results are perfection – not a single child ever thrown to the ground. Just imagine the confidence that instills in young riders! If I had ridden a doped up horse as a child, it would have taight me the confidence to persevere in my aspirations and never take the easy way out.

One confounding fact I learned from Kathy this evening is that FEI does not allow riders to enjoy performance enhancing drugs. What?! Normally that rule would make sense - Tour de France is all about the rider's performance. But with equestrian sports, the rider just flops about while their horse does all the hard work. Trust me on that, I would know. So it doesn't really matter if we riders take performance enhancing drugs because we don't actually perform! Rules are dumb.

Speaking of rules, I should take a moment to precisely explain the precarious sport of prancing. Basically, a repugnant peasant places your pony on a clothes line and pivots him or her around in a pretty prancing approximation of a parabola. You then prance into the paddock like you're a pretty pony, and pursue your pretty pony as if to proclaim that you are the prettier pony. (Get "all up" in its pretty face like you're juding its haircut - that has the propensity to please the panel of prancing judges.) This whole thing is primarily a pretty pony prance-off. The judges then assess the prettiest prancing, and place a prize ribbon on the pranciest pony, which, of course, is me.

Oh... Kathy, I forgot to ask while we were all together... can you help me assess how many dapples this horse has? Asking for a friend.

Ridin' Bareback

I went to a rated event a couple weeks ago and it was awesome.  Lots of horses doing lots of stuff.  People too.  There was Despressage, Pokèmon Stadium, and Across Country.  I took 2,037 really really good photos with my brand new RED camera.  Woodside Horse Trials was the event, according to the words I put in my calendar.  Here are some of the amazing shots I took:

What a lovely letter "E"!

Really captured the essence of the judge box on this one.

Those forested mountains are quite sensational this time of year.

I'm so good at photos, it's confounding that people haven't given me all their money already.

Anyway, the purpose of this post was to talk about bareback riding.  There were so many people at this show who were NOT riding bareback.  Like, I know a saddle helps to keep your balance and stuff.  But the TRUE art of equestrian stuff is to ride an all-natural, organic, vegetarian, non-GMO horse.  And that includes riding without saddles, which are meat products.

Take it from me, riding bareback is not that difficult.

How would I know?  First, you should read the rest of my blog.  Of course I know.  Secondly, this here video:

#eventinghorse

A post shared by Robin Whitehaus (@robinwhitehaus) on Oct 16, 2017 at 9:53pm PDT

#nailedit

I visited 12th century Britain last weekend. What did YOU do?

Camelot. "If you don't know, you don't go," IYDKYDG, to parrot Cocoa Cola's failed mid-1990's marketing campaign, which happens to have been drastically more effective than the last time I kept the leg on.

I know that a full-ton diesel truck packs a lot of power, but I was dismayed to find that we had time traveled to the historic Camelot. I was further surprised to find the castle built of plywood and paint. 

Castle in the background, not sure what's happening in the foreground.

I digest...

Since we were at King Author's Camelot, there were a fair amount of horses. (Apparently, King Author was the most prolific writer of the day, documenting his many adventures.) The thing about these historic horses is that some of them had this condition called "dapples", a proper British term.  I had never heard of this condition, and assume I never will again, now being back in the 21st century and all. But while off in a distant land and time, I was fortunate to meet an equi-alchemist named Nicoleerrraaahhhhhh... Kathy!!! (A proper British name.) She was a dapple scientist.

I'm not sure when exactly we crossed the threshold of space and time, but we arrived at Kathy's barn to pick up her noble steed Mu-Ray. They were apparently involved in the capture and improsonment of Devon the two-headed dragon. 

Devon may be a prisoner, but he's got some nice bedding!

Kathy had lots of informative informational info about dapples, which she carefully detailed in her Medieval blog. I'm glad she recounted it there because this vast and ancient knowledge was too much for my modern techno-dependent brain to absorb. 

After Kathy was finished explaining dapples to me, she piloted Mu-Ray over some of those telephone poles, and did so very excellently. I grabbed the Medieval equivalent to a Nikon digital SLR and snapped some interesting shots:

I also saw Kathy and Kathy there, and Kathy and I met up with them for dinner. (PSA: they have IHOP in 12th century Britain, with proper British food.) None of them had ever heard of dapples. Disturbingly, I had to jump away from dinner to rush outside right away because I was about to start puking on the carpet (even though I hadn’t started heaving or gurgling yet).

It was a wonderful weekend, and a proper Blogger Meetup #4. I even brought back some leeches.

Unofficial Blogger Meetup #3

I never wrote a post about blogger meetup #2.  It was too great for words.  You couldn’t possibly have understood, so I didn’t even try.

Anyway, I never get tired of my Kathys.  And this time, I met a new Kathy!  He has written a couple of guest blogs on Kathy’s blog, DIY Horse Ownership. 

Anyway, I had walked over to the depressage ring with Kathy and Kathy, where we found Kathy and Kathy already engaged in the activity.  It didn’t take long before I understood where this particular sport got its name.  Levels of anxiety were running high, stern faces were about to break out into tears, and that’s just the performers… we spectators had the real reason to be depressed.  If you aren’t familiar with depressage already, let me tell you everything there is to know about it.  It’s BOOOORRRRRIINNNGGG.  One time I watched a gopher dig some holes around a weed-ridden field, and that was far more entertaining just based on the fact that I didn’t know where it would pop up next.  But with depressage, there were trainers calling out what move the horses were going to do next; nothing left to the imagination!  (I’m just wondering how they knew what the horse was going to do…)  Regardless, the rider just sat around on the horse, waiting for it to migrate between letters.  I was hoping the horse would at least jump out of the ring… now THAT would have been exciting!

Speaking of jumping… I recently figured out that there are two jumping sports… Hunters and Jumpers.  Basically, you make the horse soar over horizontal telephone poles that are suspended between different structures which are reminiscent of the fond memories on the ‘ol ranch I don’t have.  If you didn’t realize that horses can fly, please read my post: Information for Pilots Studying the Equestrian Arts.

Now you’re probably wondering to yourself, “Okay, Hunters AND Jumpers.  Two different sports.  What’s the difference?”  There’s a surprising amount of confusion around this topic, and I did a surprising amount of research to figure it all out for you.  I’m going to save you butt-loads of time right now.  The difference between Hunters and Jumpers is: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  They’re the same damn thing.

Anyway, this post wasn’t supposed to be about your ignorance.  Where were we?  Ah yes, Kathy(s).

We hung out for a few moments each time we crossed paths.  Generally, Kathy did the talking, since they were riding or dealing with riders that day, and since terminologies such as, “keep the leg on,” just go over my head.  But lots of interesting things were spoken, and I ended up taking some photographs with two of Kathy’s camera.

Another notable experience for the day was mud.  Lots of mud.  I’m glad I wore my hiking shoes because there was endless mud to be trod upon.  I really think that mud should make an appearance at every horse show.  The kids really liked the mud too.  Mud is a really nice thing to have around.  Whenever I have my own horse, I’m going to make sure I also have mud.  

Anyway, we were at JK Presents, at The Horse Park at Woodside.  If you were there, maybe you saw Kathy too.  Or maybe you saw my sunburn.

USEA officially adds a 4th discipline!

You read it here first.  USEA has officially added a fourth discipline to 3-day eventing.  However, similar to completing a teaching credential in California, they're just cramming more useless hurdles into the same time-frame.  So 3DE it remains.

This is going to be surprising to most of you, but sometimes it rains in California (and not just the tears of would-be teachers). Due to recent occurrences of precipitation, USEA has decided to refresh its roots in calvary mastery and revive this dire skill.

Which dire skill is this?
 
Boating. Horse boating. Horses and boats. Boating with horses.
Get ready for a massive surge in oar-to-saddle attachment accessories.

No official methodology has yet been published, nor photographs to depict what you'll have to soon be learning. But you can check out my breadth of research on Google Images below... it should tell you everything that you need to know.

As you can see, horses and boats/oars celebrate an ancient relationship, and it's about time that this historic practice was revived. Tell your friends.

Jimmy H and the Feral Farm Friends - an emo band

My band is better than your band.

My horse's band is better than your band.

Granted, your band probably plays fancy music that requires some sense of creativity and an above-mediocre level of musical skill.
But MY band is EMO... and so is Jimmy H's.

Look, they're just starting out so their SoundCloud doesn't have as many followers as yours.
Look, their recordings aren't that great because my barn recording studio just don't sound as good as your bedroom recording studio.
Look, you may not even respect emo music as a legitimate art form.
But don't you dare go around thinking that Jimmy H and the Feral Farm Friends are anything less than the very best, like no one ever was.

I'm gonna prove to you how emo JH and the FFF are.  Take a look at the hair on this dude from the inferior and lesser known emo band, Patrick Stump:

Now check out the TOTALLY EMO hair on Jimmy H:

Who wore it better?!?! (I mean, feel free to answer, but this is pretty much a rhetorical question, AMIRIGHT?)  Sorry for getting emotional about this.

Don't forget to follow their SoundCloud!  Like/Share/Clicker-Train/Promote their music please!

This is me

Update

Dear Everyone,

I know I haven't been updating my blog recently and I am sorry. There are two reasons for this though: because I've been learning how to put on a bridal,

On a side note, I've learned that hay is, in fact, just a bunch of dried grass, and not, in fact, a distinguished variety of plant.  Thought I'd pass that along.

Anticipating the jump...

The single hallmark of riding horses is jumping high and fast.  I know there's other stuff people do like depressage and grooming, but honestly that's for people with ADHD.  It's all about showing off brute strength and aerodynamics.  This strangely fuzzy black horse I found on the Google surely knows it:

(Look at him soar through that standard!)

So I began doing some more the Google searches to study how other riders get the most out of their jumps.  What I can observe is a culmination of subtle but necessary posture developments.  It's not the kind of thing that emerges overnight [challenge accepted] but takes years of careful training.  I guess that's why horse lessons cost money?  Anyway, see if you can also find what I saw in these photos that was so illuminating about the process of jumping.  (Hint: it's subtler than you'd think.)

(Look closely...)

(This one is obscured by angles)

(This horse is probably R. Kelly)

(LOL j/k this one is a poodle)

The answer is this: they're all leaning forward!  All those riders are like way over the horse's neck.  That's the secret!  To jump high and fast, you need to lean forward.  Try it.  I'm not at the jumping stage yet, but it's never to early to get started, right?  So for your edification, and in anticipation of one day jumping myself, I tried it out:

YES PEOPLE.  This is the look you want to go for when jumping.  Make sure your trainer knows.  (You can never be too sure if they've done extensive The Google searching like I have.)  Good luck on your next jumps!

Riding in the Rain

Hey California, remember when it rained last weekend?

List of horse names

Now that I'm a blogger in the horse world, I hope to someday actually ride a horse.  Haha psych! I totally rode a horse twice.

Eventually, I will have sixteen horses.  But like many of my human friends, horses tend to already come with names.  But with baby humans, you can choose their names.  And if you adopt humans, you can trade out their names for a better one, like Kathy.  Buying a horse is like adopting a human, so I'm going to list all the names that I'm considering for my lucky future horses.  But they have to be special names, for my special horses; people should know which are my special horses.  WHICH IS WHY YOU CAN'T STEAL MY NAMES.  So everything in this post is 2016 © Me. (I got some legal advice from my... self.)  I would however be willing to license any of the names herein.  Contact my legal advisor 4 deetz.

I'm going to interject a complaint here.  I accidentally deleted this entire post so far and had to rewrite it, and I liked it all better the first time. :'( :'( :'( Has this happened to anyone else out there?  I'm mildly devastated.   Do you hear me?? MILDLY!!!



Okay here's my list of awesome horse names:

1. Cough Drops
2. Dog Food
3. Eggs
4. Toothbrush

Wait I'm so sorry, that was my shopping list.  Let me find my horse names:

1. Cough Drops
2. Saladhorse
3. Papercut
4. Buckey
5. Buddy Holly
6. Chimichanga
7. Sir Trips-a-Lot
8. Alternating Current
9. Squirrel
10. Thoreau Bread
11. Johann Sebastian Bach II
12. Bulldozer
13. Jockstrap
14. Junior the Eggplant
15. Sixteen
16. Blogger H

Quality.

Warm Bloods versus Cold Bloods

Up until quite recently I thought that all horses were mammals. Then I found out about cold blooded horses. Since I've heard so little on this topic, I did a bit of research and wanted to list some facts about cold blooded horses:

• They will kill you in the middle of the night
• They have scales
• Something about getting their body heat from an "ecto" thermas
• They like apples

These few facts really make cold blooded horses stand apart from their sisters and brothers of the other temperament.  Who knew?! Does anyone else know any good facts about cold blooded horses?

Information for Pilots Studying the Equestrian Arts

Hello Kathy.  I don't have much time, but I wanted to share some interesting diagrams I found that should help you in your piloting skills.

Notice how the arrow clearly shows that you want to go OVER the polls (like G.W. Bush), and not through them (like Bernie).  This applies for both completing your hunter/jumper test, and your piloting license test.  If you crash into the poles with your flight school's Cessna, they will not be handing you a blue ribbon.

More pertinent diagram information:

I like how very clear this diagram is to show that you will be riding a horse through these standards, and not a Cessna 172 Skyhawk.  Also, that the horse is supposed to jump over the poles: I've been to SO MANY horse shows where that instruction is not clear.

And now I leave you with a link to some really good hunter jumper information.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hunter_Jumper

How to get bitten by a horse (updated)

Small horses

I'm an all-inclusive kind of guy.  I don't like to hurt feelings, and I don't want anyone to feel left out.  Now as most of us know, horses come in all shapes and sizes. For example: an octagon is a shape, and 144 dots per inch kinda refers to a size.

Anyway, I wrote a blogpost last time about horses of a particularly large breed.  I want to pay homage to our less-endowed equestrian friends, namely... well I don't know what they're called.  But they're little horses.

Anyway anyway, I was walking around the farm late at night, trying to find myself [literally... not some existential journey; I couldn't see anything!] and I stumbled upon this little shed.  (I'll give you one guess as to what was inside!)  Who can resist entering a shed on the back corner of a pitch-black farm near midnight?! "Not I," said the human, and unlatched the gate.

Which brings me to an anecdote from my childhood.  This is a true story:  I am an early bird.  That's not the story.  These days, I tend to wake up at about 10 A.M (which is VERY early for the unemployed).  But when I still slept in a crib, I tended to wake up at about 5:00am.  After losing interest with pretending to smoke my toy gavel (which only very loosely resembled a pipe [also, what sort of judicial decisions could I possibly have pretend-made with said gavel?]), I would climb out of said crib to awaken my entertainment.  I would proceed to enter my parents' sleeping chamber and stare straight into my mom's face.  Unsatisfied with her lack of being awake, I then would pry open her eyelids (because they're supposed to be open) and tell her to "waaaaake oooooouup."  I never understood why this bothered her, nor why she would insist on me playing by myself until later in the day.  But then again, high-schoolers often don't understand their parents.

Back to today's story.  Now that you know I have a history of being insensitive toward others' not-so-apparent desire to sleep: I found, NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT THREE, no wait yeah it was three.  THREE LITTLE HORSES!!!  I squealed with delight, and they startled awake.  Feeling an immediate connection to them, I decided to share with them my just-woke-up every morning habit: selfies!
  

Sorry for the blurry images.  My selfie game is much better than this at 10 A.M.  But you can tell,  despite the photos' lack of Instagram-worthiness, that they were very excited to meet me too.